Apr 29 2022
Reading No Longer Human, or the translation title I prefer, Disqualified From Being Human kind of ruined my life. I literally started crying in a car, cuz I'm like, what if I didn't have to overanalyze everyone's expressions to be any bit normal? What if I was just born normal? And what Yozo was trying to avoid, being an outcast by being himself, is what I had to go through before getting my meds. It's true, if you can't small talk, you don't care about what other people care about, you can't understand the meaning of life, you're going to be lonely. That is, if you can't hide all of these feelings. The only way I'm able to get by is by talking about all of my anime in an overdramatized way to make people laugh and get attention. I'm shocked Yozo was able to keep all of his art stuff to like, one person. Maybe if there was the Internet he could've shared it online, or something? That's what I had to do. I don't knowww haha. But that book made me resent being abnormal, and I can only wish I was the people who read that book not relating to a single bit of it.
TW: abuse Also, it made me resent being abused, not myself, but the world, or whoever's controlling it. And I wanna leave my house so bad but I know if I do my little brother isn't gonna make it. Not that me ever standing up for him did much (we would just both get beaten by my dad). And my dad, screaming at me to behave like a normal human being, berating me for my lack of eye contact, made Disqualified from Being Human hit even harder to me. Yozo was right, he was entirely right about playing the "clown". It's effective. I need attention and love and the only way to get that was to be "weird", but in an acceptable way—I still need to talk about what I'm dying to talk about, but that means I have to be humorous so people will listen to me. Making up jokes is kind of hard work. LOL. Iiiiiiiiiiiii like the Internet. It's a good place. I don't like it when people call Internet friends "fake friends". Ok, that's all, I have no clue how to segway into things sorry.
Apr 27 2022
This much homework on top of important school events coming up is very ridiculous to me. Yesterday I fooled around for 2 hours and didn't even finish all my homework; I had to finish some up in the morning. And I don't even have any make-up work. Yet teachers will smugly at least the impression I get; keep in mind I have been told multiple times that I suck at reading expressions/mood/whatever so take this with a grain of salt say you have to get at least 8 hours of sleep. For a lot of people, that's very hard, not to mention so many physical or mental problems that could get in the way of this. Ugh!!! I'll cut myself off for now but this stuff makes me really, really angry.
Apr 23 2022
I hope I never become a parent, the type of parent to wonder why my children are doing so bad mentally and not know that you're the cause.
But I don't trust myself to have that kind of responsibility. Everyone always says I'll change my mind about wanting to get married/having to start a family later, but...There are multiple reasons why I would never consider it. But that's for another day! To all children with less-than-good parents, I can't say with certainty that everything will end up alright, but I hope it does, for me and for you.
Apr 22 2022
There's always been something exceedingly magical about songs in 3/4 or even 6/8 time. There's just something about the 1 2 3, 1 2 3, count that really gets me. Of course, not all songs in these times are automatically superior to their 4/4 siblings, but I'm more likely to be charmed by a song if it's in 3/4 time. Even if you don't use the classic Bass Note Note formula it's still amazing. To me, at least! I'm sure I've tried looking up why 3/4 and/or 6/8 songs sound so darn magical but it was probably to no avail since I don't recall the answer. Maybe this it's not common to think that the 3/4 time signature has a special charm?